Letters To Voldermort
by i.b.22
Summary: Voldemort receives letters from different people around the world or characters it does crossover too from; Merlin, Teen Wolf, Sherlock, Supernatural, Twilight, and from the real world. Anyways, this is my first Harry Potter Fanfic. Also I don't own any of the characters except those from the real world since they came straight from my brain.
1. Chapter 1

First Up I would like to say that I do not own Harry Potter and I am just one of the many fangirls that it has. Secondly this is my first time writing a fanfiction of one of my favorite fandoms since I am quiet self conscious about what I do...thank you my english teacher! and last but not least I'm writing this at 12 at night and haven't slept since Thursday night why you may ask well I don't really know. So anyways please bare all comments and critics are certainly welcomed.

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Chapter 1: His Crazy Wannabe Mrs. Riddle or Voldermort...

Dear My Dark Precious Most Beautiful King,

I would like to say that you look quite ravishing tonight at the meeting I almost couldn't help myself and beg for your hands to be

placed upon my body. I was wondering if you have thought about what I had said to you. I would be certainly honored to have your

snake children since I am the only one PURRFECT for you. Those other women or men that think that they have a chance with you are

nothing but pitiful worthless scums in the bottom of your feet. I would be the perfect candidate to bear you heir for I am pure blooded

and also I am one of the most beautiful woman in all of the magic community. I am certain that if Merlin himself was alive that he would

be begging for my hand. Can't you see that our children would be glorious, magical, beautiful, and powerful children in all of the lands.

I can already see it: our beloved sons and daughters ruling the world while looking spiffy like their father. I am very much certain of

that outcome. Also might I just mention that I am AMAZING in bed (wink wink). People have told me that I'm quite an animal; wild, hot,

and ready to strike at any time. I'm pretty sure you can see it (wink wink). Oh the things we would do when we play in bed, the rough,

brutal, wild, back scratching and bleeding, hair wrenching, goosebumps screaming, overflowing kinkiness, and positions that only

muggles can dream of. I am certain you can see it (wink wink). So just give me call or a letter and I will dump my weak husbands sorry

butt right on the spot.

Your Ever So Faithful Follower:

Bellatrix

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So... tell me what you think guys!


	2. Chapter 2

Yay! here's chapter 2 you guys someone actually gave me a brilliant idea to put his respond so thank you 1Misty1 (also for the follow). And thank you FivePhoenix for reading also. So here you go hope you guys enjoy!

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Chapter 2

The Dark Lords Response:

Dear Bellatrix

Please stop sending me love letters. See you even made me say please, for Pete's sakes woman don't you get that I DON'T LIKE YOU EVER! Not

even as a friend or follower. I do not love nor care bout anyone or anything besides myself and my hocrux you bumbling idiot. And also if I do want

a lover I would rather have you Lucius Malfoy or you cousin Sirius. Oh yeah I would rather have that dog than you, I heard his quite a wild animal in bed.

Also as I have said before I have only loved (yes people the dark lord can love) one man person and that said person is now angry at me!

Why you may ask well I will tell you: I am a selfish, asshole that only cares about myself, I act like a freaking teenager with my obsession for a teenage

heartthrob that Lucius's son; Draco is dating thus driving my lover to death. Who might this lover be? Well he was a professor in Hogwarts, no its not

Snape as much as he is attractive his nothing but a follower, his name is Quirrell who was as kawaii as a squirrel (oh yeah I just went there) he was cute

as a button, yes I just said "cute". He was espically adorable (yes I said adorable stop being so shocked about it) when were making hot and wild sex,

ahhh I can just picture himself. His cheeks outlined with such a cherry red color as I lick his... and you don't need to know what I lick so I'm not even

going to finish what I just said seeing how it is none of you **BLOODY BUSINESS YOU NUISANCE**! And because of my stupid obsession to that Potter

Boy he is now angry at me. So again STOP SENDING ME LOVE LETTERS THEY SHALL BE BURNED AT ONCE I don't need another headache.

The DARK LORD


	3. Chapter 3

Here is Chapter 3 you guys! I hope you like this one since this one is...i don't even know what happened to this. This chapter is lord voldermort writing to our favorite jolly good fellow Santa!

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Chapter 3: Letter to Santa

YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU BIG LARD OF RED!

IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT I WILL AK YOUR ASS!

HERE ARE MY LIST:

1.) Harry stinking Potter's head

2.) a nice green sweater

3.) Harry Freaking Potter's Head on a SILVER PLATTER

4.) Sherlock (BBC of course) Season 1 and 2 since 3 isn't out

5.) the freaking golden trio on a coffin buried 10 ft in the ground

6.) a pet new snake since Nagini is getting lonely

7.) Dumbledor dying because of those freaking lemon drops

8.) An autograph poster of teen wolf

9.) my old beautiful face

10.) a concert ticket to Girls Generation (oh yeah the Dark Lord loves korean girl bands)

SO LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD YOU BIG FREAKING JOLLY PEDOPHILE (me: really voldermort your insulting santa how low can you get) YOU BETTER GET ME WHAT I WANT OR ELSE I WILL COME OVER THERE AND STICK UP A CANDY CANE DOWN YOU HOLE

THE DARK LORD

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...well this one was...I don't even know what just happened really. -_- voldermort has anger issues if you haven't notice at all. Also I

LOVE Santa so yeah...I ju...I just...I don't even know really. So ya. Bye Bye


	4. Chapter 4

Hey Hey guys it's me again...sorry for not uploading another one I was busy this whole week but here is another letter for ya.

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Santa's Response:

Dear Tom,

May I call you Tom since you were Tom before you were Voldermort. So here it goes Thomas as much as I want to give you those present I

cannot for many reasons you have committed every year.

Reason 1: You keep killing people

Reason 2: Bother Harry Potter and company

Reason 3: Being rude to everyone

Reason 4: You can't order Santa around that's not cool

Reason 5: You keep torturing people which is not nice

Reason 6: You keep making plans on how to kill people which again is not good

Reason 7: Plans on taking over the world

Reason 8: Swearing

Reason 9: Your wishes are too much

and lastly

Reason 10: I can't kill people nor steal them nor cause any harm, I am Santa

So please to this nonsense and your unrealistic wishes because I will not give them to you. I mean come on I am Santa you know the

guy in the jolly red outfit with his trusty reindeer and elves not some evil manipulating man who kills on a daily basis. So no you

I cannot give you this plus your not even nice. Maybe if you are I might try and send Cupid there to council both you and Quirrell but

since you are not, I shall leave you to do this alone. It may seem harsh and cruel but unless you change your ways I believe I can't do

anything for you. And one last thing Happy Christmas

Sincerely:

Santa

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So there you go folks what do you think?


	5. Chapter 5

I'm back sorry for the delay have to study for finals which suck since I don't have school tomorrow since we got a SNOW DAY! But here I am so I hope you enjoy this one.

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Voldy Moldy Pants

**YA IM TALKING TO YOU!** It's me the one and only **HARRY JAMES POTTER**; defender of the universe, the only person that wasn't

killed by your stupid curse, teenage heartthrob, the hottest wizard alive, also the most powerful wizard alive, did I mention I am alive,

oh yeah and one more thing the one you didn't manage to kill why because YOU SUCK! Anyways just wanting to let you know that I

am about to kill you since I am magical and awesome like that. Plus your not even pretty to look at and also your old so...yeah I am

about to destroy you. Yeah me and my homies are gonna kick you and your Death Eaters (seriously what type of name) **BIG BUTT**!

And you can't do anything about it. Also my brotha Neville Longbottom is sooo going to take down your ugly pet snake because his a

boss like that. Secondly Draco and I are getting married so suck on that, you know since your not married and all and your like...what

75 or something. Not only that I just saw your lover and he look like he was having fun at my PARTEEEEYYYY. Oh yeah. He never told

you that he was going to my party did he. Well he did and looks like him and that vampire guy Aro (yes people Twilight characters are

making an appearance) are having some lovin time. But it's not like you care since you only use him for his body (not like that...hmmm

well maybe like that). But-don't you like him or something like that or was that a rumor? Anyways it doesn't matter since I'm going

to destroy you and your pathetic of an excuse human form. So bye bye LOSER!

Sincerely:

The Most Awesome and Powerful Wizard, Harry James Potter

P.S.

Why don't you do us all a favor and maybe get a plastic surgery to recover your nose or have Snape brew some potions to get your

look back. Maybe that would help you in defeating me...NOT! hahaha Loser!

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Ummmm...well wow I don't even...I-I just...okay so ummm...this is a crack letter. Anyways Harry is drunk and when your drunk stupid things will come out and this is what happened. So yeah..feel free to review.


	6. Chapter 6

**HEY HEY GUYS I AM BACK! WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THOUGH BEFORE YOU START READING THIS ONE. THIS CHAPTER WILL BE REALLY SHORT SINCE I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE WRITING RIGHT NOW (sad face - TT^TT i know).**

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Harry James Potter

If you think I will tolerate such behavior you exhibited from that letter then you are very much wrong. I shall **KILL** you and your so

called pathetic friends one by one. I will come over there and take a chainsaw and hack you to pieces. I will do that too your

family,friends, your precious lover, and also that a** friend (such a pathetic human thinking that my lover can be swayed by

such a loser of a man). Anyways just wanting to let you know that I will come over there and slay all of you one by one. I will

drag my knife, oh yes screw wands I'm going muggle in your killing, into your back slowly and **PAINFULLY** till you beg for me to kill

you. Then I will heal you so that you could watch while I kill each one of your single friends. Especially that mudblood, Herman

was it, I have thought of the most cruel way possible. You wanna hear what I'm going to do to her Potter. Well I will gladly tell

you. You see I am very much fond of my Cruciatus Curse that I will give her an blessed amount, I was thinking maybe doing it till

she goes insane just like what my darling Bellatrix did to Slongbottom's parents. Then after that I will scar her skin with a hot

bladed knife but not to kill her just to let the smell of blood come so that when I let the wolves out they can sniff her blood, hunt

her, then kill her. As for your right hand, that traitorous ginger, well him I'm going to let the Bella have fun with him. And by her

definition of fun equals **TORTURE** for him and joy for her. Now let's talk about your beloved Draco, that beautiful traitor bastard.

Well I'm just going to hand him to Greyback I'm sure he would love that silver eyed beauty. Who knows what he will do. Now for

you my dear while this happens I'm going to chain you up to the cellar and force you to watch everything that happens to them.

And after that well let's just say your head will look lovely as a trophy for my house wouldn't it. The great "Chosen One's" head

in my trophy shelf; well that seem so pleasant don't you think. Anyways I'm just letting you know what I'm going to do with you

once I win this war.

Best Wishes

The Dark Lord

P.S.

I don't care if you were drunk or sober that letter just fueled my hatred Potter so better watch your back cuz I'm coming for ya.

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**So Guys what do you think...it wasn't really short as I thought it would be but hey I guess my brain supplied me with more imagination on what's going to happen. Anyways Reviews are always welcome.**


	7. Chapter 7

**And now here's another chapter sorry this is going to be really short and a convo-message-thingy between the savior and the dark lord.**

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**Chapter 7**

Voldermort,

F*CK YOU!

Harry Potter

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Potter,

You F*CK OFF!

Voldermort

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Voldermort,

No YOU DO!

Harry Potter

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Potter,

Stop sending me messages or I'm going to kill you on the spot right now.

Voldermort

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Voldermort,

Please do try I'm pretty sure your going to fail at that too.

Harry Potter

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As if and if that doesn't stop you then I'm going to torture your mind.

Voldermort

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Go ahead and try and see if you can

Potter

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OKAY OKAY I'LL STOP JUST STOP WITH THE MIND RAPE ALREADY!

Potter

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HAHAHA NOT UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU LOSER!

Voldermort

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FINE FINE YOU WIN YOU WIN!

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Good.

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**See what I told you guys really short and crack like hahaha. I don't really know what I was writing about actually my creative mine won't supply me with anything right now so sorry guys. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey Guys since it's December 24th over here and December 25th somewhere else in the world I thought that I should do one for Christmas right since it is 24th or 25th somewhere right? Oh well I shall do one so here is one of the many letters Voldermort gets for Christmas.**

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**Chapter 8 **

Dear My Dark Lord,

It is I Lucius Malfoy your ever so faithful follower. I wanted to invite you my Dark King to a festive annual ball that the Malfoy family

does every year. I would very much hope you could attend. Your presence would be such a honor to have at my ball. I hope you can

attend.

Yours Truly:

Lucius Malfoy

Your Ever Faithful Follower.

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Dear Malfoy,

It would be such a spectacular event to attend to but it seems I would not be attending. You see Quirell finally forgave me for that little

quarrel we had. Anyways I give such blessings for your party, also make sure that you annoy the hell out of your son. Tell him that's it's

from the Dark Lord wishing him the best of life before I kill him and that Potter Boy.

Yours Truly:

The Dark King

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Dear My Dark King:

I am very happy that everything with you and your lover work out perfectly. It is a shame that you couldn't come to the ball but I

assure you that I understand very much. Also for your request I would gladly do what you told me to do and annoy my pathetic excuse

of a son for you.

Yours Truly:

Lucius Malfoy

Your Right Hand

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**What do you think you guys? Oh and if you were wondering why Quirrell and Voldermort are lovers. Well I got that idea from A Very Potter Musical so that's why. Anyways Merry Christmas Everyone and a Happy New Years.**

**Please Review**


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